So you're probably wondering when the confessional takes place, and to that I must say, "Hold your horses! Almost there." Because surely, it was the snazzy title I fashioned that brought you here today. But first, you need briefing on why this post is even coming into existence.
So recently, I've had a lot of work to do, which really means I've had a lot of procrastinating happening. Most would procrastinate by, say, visiting friends, watching tv, or perusing the internet for new cat videos. Me? No, I can't be tied down to the absolute normalcy of those various forms of procrastination! Instead, I tend to do a lot of introspection, which is really just a big, fancy word for literally thinking about myself. Soul-searching, if you will. Well, my friends, some of the things I have begun to realize about myself surprised me. Which, really, is quite sad. Ah, the life of a psychology major...always trying to figure people out.
Ok, the part you've been anticipating like Christmas morning (exaggeration? perhaps.).
Things I've realized about myself during the last 12 hours of intensive procrastination:
1. If I have free time, I will fill it with something. Anything. I cannot simply do nothing. Though I suppose I shouldn't say I will fill that time with "anything," because just today I had about 5 hours to work on projects, but instead I decided to go see and movie and take a quick, dearly needed nap (rough night. a different train went by about every hour, blaring its horn, reawakening me from my already restless slumber). I've never been one to just do nothing. My whole life has been scheduled to the minute, starting when I was about 5 years old. School, dance class, soccer practice, home, dinner, bath, bed. Yes, that was my schedule of activities as a 5 year old. And it never did cease. Thinking back to high school, I don't even know how I'm still alive and functioning. I had class for 7 hours a day, then rehearsal of some kind for at least 2 hours, either work or dance class after that, and typically about 5 hours of homework per night on top of that. That's approximately 18 hours of the day jam-packed with things. Rough.
2. Settling down scares the piss out of me. I used to have this mindset of go to college, meet a man, marry by graduation, settle in somewhere not too far from home, kids by 26, two dogs, white picket fence, the whole nine yards. But now, that seriously makes my stomach tie in knots. I've never wanted to explore more in my life than right now. I want to get away from comfort and experience this world we've been blessed with. I want to move far away and start living. Travel. Go on adventures. Meet people. Experience cultures. Funny, how you think you know exactly what you want when you're so young, only to find out its what scares you almost more than anything. Maybe it's fear of commitment. Maybe it's just my form of repressed teenage rebellion finally leaking its way out drop by drop into consciousness. Whatever it is, I know it's not time for me to settle. There's too much life to live to risk wasting while I'm still able. Also, it really is hilarious that it's only after you've come to this determination that your friends try to set you up with guys. (Sorry, those of you who have requested a date. I don't date. I relationship. [Yeah, I turned it into a verb.] So no, I guess I'm not afraid of committing, I'm afraid of commitment holding me back, which is exactly what starting a relationship a year before I graduate and move on from this place would do.) (Also, sorry if that sounded snarky. That wasn't my intention.)
3. I've begun to realize the sheer finite-ness of our existence on this planet, and it's made me appreciate the relationships I have that much more. I'm realizing how much more we should tell people we love them and how we should revel in sharing stories with each other. It's really a bit trite, but there's real truth behind the newly-popular acronym, YOLO. You only live once. Live hard, love harder, share your story with someone, because who knows when the battery on your clock will run out.
Well, that's it. Disclaimer: I swear I was not on any sort of substance, other than caffeine, while I was thinking these thoughts. Sometimes I just get extra caught in the net of thoughts in my mind.
Hope you found what you came here for.
Peace and love,
Liz.
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